20.08.2012

My 11th letter to you...

Was down with bad cough again.. Asthmatic cough... *sigh* As usual... I had to nurse myself back to health.. Cause no one gives a damn about me anyway.. Certainly not you...

Met up with Ling today.. Of all people.. She had to ask me about you...

Haven't thought about you for quite some time.. ... Well.. I lied.. Still think of you every now and then... But.. I am trying not to already... So far... I think I had been doing quite a good job....

I had not visited your facebook... nor check when was your last online on Whatsapp... Most importantly... I had not cried because of you for the past 2 weeks...

I tried to have plans for each passing day... But well.. Not everyone is free to entertain me all the time... Times like these... I tend to get lonely.. And misses you.. But hey.. I am starting to get use to it again... I am just going back to the times before I'm with you... =)

Honestly.. I am not quite sure what's the plan for my life since you left... I am just living day by day....

Then and again.. I don't why am I writing all this rubbish to you... *sigh*

Wish you were here though... Miss your hugs...

Miss you.. & Love you always...

05.08.2012

My 10th letter to you....

It's been awhile since I last went to your Facebook profile... My heart almost stopped beating when I saw it just now... You had removed all our photos...

I guess... This day had come? You had really removed me from your life...

I really don't why am I still missing you so bad... I don't why I broke down and cry hysterically at the stairs when I got home from pub this morning.... 

Why are you so cruel to me? Why is my heart still hurting so bad?

Why? Why?

Why can't I stop crying?

Miss & Love you... Always... 

04.08.2012

My 9th letter to you....

It's a new month... 1 month plus since you left...

Suddenly missed your presence again...

Just came home from a movie.. Total Recall.. It's a great show... Believe this is something that you will enjoy watching.... There were a few moments in the movie where I had actually hoped that you were sitting beside me like you used to...

Wished that I can re-modify my memory like that main character in the movie.... =(

Been playing alot with my polaroid camera.. Been reminding myself that my life now is like those instax film.... I only take a shot once... I cannot edit to make it perfect... Nor can I delete it just because it's not perfect...

I took a leap of faith when I decided to be with you.... I cannot change the past to make it better cause you wouldn't let me... I cannot delete our times together because I still love you...

I am living my life so carefully now.. Careful not to remember you.. Careful not to text you...Careful not to check your facebook profile... Careful not to show everyone at work how sad I am... Careful to constantly keeping a smile on my face...Careful not to fall in love again... 


It just hurts so much... Love... I don't think I can trust this 4-letter word from anyone again... Sigh...

Missing you so much.. & Love you... Always...

30.07.2012

My 8th letter to you...

Forced myself not to write so often... Hence 1st post since 26.07.2012...

Hmm... Last week was uber sucky at work... But I made it all up over the weekends... Let's see...

Friday...Had a 4 hours pool session with Nicki, Hong and Eddie till abt 3plus in the morning.. Supper at Mac.. Puke out at the end though..

Never thought of you...

Saturday afternoon... 2 movies (The Amazing Spiderman and The Four) at NEX with Shirley... Ate alot of nonsense food....

You pop out of my mind for awhile when we went to the NEX's rooftop....

Saturday night.. Was literally forced to go Tampines to meet Nic and Ling to get my Polaroid cameras... Seriously.. Tampines was definitely the last place I want to go in Singapore now... Sigh...

All my memories of you came flooding back... Almost broke down and cry...

Anyway.. I did not know what to do with the polaroid camera when I got home.. Initial intention was to take photos with you using the polaroid... But.. You are not here anymore.. Hence.. After making sure that the camera can be on and there is flash... I put it away into the box...

Sunday.. Stayed home... Watch dvds.... Tried to nap.... End up napping all the way to 9plus at night.. Forgotten to eat.. If you knew abt this.. You would probably call me pig... =)

Work was not too bad today.. Took the 1st pic with Jamie.... Never thought of you at all.. Well... At least till now...

Miss you.. But I think I had more or less come to terms with myself to let you go already... Give me awhile more ba... I will let you go soon... I will soon forget that you once existed in my life... But for now.. I still miss you... My heart will still aches when I thought of you... Sigh

Missing you & Love you.. Always....

26.07.2012

My 7th letter to you....

Was very busy at work... Short of manpower again... Doing everything by myself again... Sigh...

Thought of you today... Thought of a few things about us... Honestly... I am really very frustrated with our situation already... Really thought of heading to your house void deck.. Sit down there and wait for you...

Sigh.. In the end.. I didn't....

I wish to let go.. Its just 7 months only.. Right?

Kept telling myself to hate you.. The only way I know of letting a man that I love go.. Was to hate him... But.. I cant find any reason to... Cause.. You refused to give me one..

So... How to move on?

Hai..

Find another guy to replace you? Then I will be using that man.. Its not fair to him.. Cause.. I don't love him..

Wait for you? Till when? Till the day I die? Till the day I know you've got attached? Till the day I heard news of you getting married? =(

Detest the me now... I don't expect myself to be torturing myself like this.. This is ridiculous...

I can do alot for the man I love... I can sacrifice alot for the man I love... Things that I should have done... Things that I should not have done.. I had done it all... So it's really the end already?

Please.. Tell me... What's the conclusion between me and you?

Miss you... & Love you... Always... 

25.07.2012

My 6th letter to you...

Location: Changi Beach Playground Swing

Had a terrible day at work... Was complained by carrier today... Got reprimanded by Jamie n front of Syai... Got scolding by shipper... PC broke down...

Hide at the office back staircase and cried....

Sigh... Why is my life so screwed up now? Feel like I am such a loser... I should be strong enough to deal with the stress at work... I should be strong enough to deal with you abandoning me... I should be... But... Why is everything falling apart now?

I miss telling you about my day at work... I miss you helping me to scold them.... Need a hug from you badly... Then again... That will never happen right? Hai....

Miss you... & Love you... Always...

24.07.2012

My 5th letter to you.... 
Devastated...You ignored me again... No matter how much I beg of you... You just wouldn't reply me... I am really at my wits' end...

Need to stop crying... Need to stop waking up every morning with puffy eyes...

Aren't you irritated everytime I msg you like this? At least... Give me a reason to stop doing so... Ignoring me is really not the solution...

Love me or not.. At least... Tell me? Sigh....

Need a hug from you....

Miss you lots... & Love you... Always....

24.07.2012

My 4th letter to you....

Remember the seat we sat on 26.10.2011? The one under the void deck near to the bus stop where you take bus 27 home? I sat there for awhile just now... Memories just kept flashing through my minds... We had sat there countless times... Hugging each other.. We kept talking to each other and kept missing your bus all the way till the last bus... We were so reluctant to let each other go...

Heart aches so badly just now... =(

Had a bad day at work...  Email was down due to migration of server... Was being bully by a very picky and mean Pakistan guy... How I wish that I can share this with you... I am sure you will scold him together with me.. Right?

But I know that no matter how many msges I sent you... You will still not reply to me... Sigh...

I miss your hugs... I miss your smell.. I miss your laughter... I miss your smile... I miss you....

How long are you going keep ignoring my existences? How long can I wait for you? Will there ever be one day when we will regret our actions?

I am regretting.. You?  

Are you happier now without me?

Everyday I asked myself.. Am I really happy? Faking a smile... Faking a laugh... Even Jamie and Shirley can see that I am acting abnormal in office...  I had lost my cheery self... Will I ever be truly happy without you? This is something that I cant answer....

Am I fooling myself everyday thinking that one day... Just one fine day... You will finally reply me? Can I carry this false hope with me from day to day?

Sigh... Wish you were here....

Missing you... & Love you... Always....

23.07.2012

My 3rd letter to you....

Texted you when I was sitting alone at my voiddeck just now.. As usual.. No reply from you...

Yes.. It still hurts when you ignore me..

Cried when I was in the shower... You must be thinking.. Why am I behaving like a weakling right? I cant find an answer for that too... Been trying to hold my tears back for the past week.... I supposed.. After what I went through in office today... That was my limit ba.. I just broke down...

Sigh..

Oh.. I think I bumped into Calvin last Wed at Zouk... Thought of putting you out of my mind for the night and just party away... But the sight of him... Reminds me of you... All my party mood just dissolved into sian-ness... All I want was to go home...

After not talking to me for the past few weeks... Did you ever miss me? Though I still don't know the reason why are you behaving this way... I will wait for you to tell me... You will right? =)

Missing you... & Love you... Always.... 

22.07.2012

My 2nd letter to you...

I remembered how you used to say "Ainy" to me.. You said that.. Its your way of telling me that you love me.... I used to think its silly... Now.. I miss you saying that to me...I lied in my bed after texing you... Wondering.. Did I do anything wrong when I 1st decided to be with you? Did I? Was it a mistake?

I told myself.. No.. It's not.. I may not have really loved you when we 1st started out... But.. affections grew... It grew too much and too fast..that's why I am hurting now... I love you...

I am not someone who gives my heart to someone easily.. For I am afraid of getting hurt... I am afraid of putting my heart in someone's hand and end up breaking it...

I gave mine to you... Will you protect it like you used to?

Miss you.. & Love you.. Always....

21.07.2012

My 1st letter to you....


I created this blog cause I realised that I had no other way of telling you how I am feeling every single day since the day you decided to deny my existence...


How are you? Hope that you are well and had been taking care of yourself... Must remember to eat and drink lot of fluid...


Sigh... Was reading the old emails you sent me.. Your journal entries...


I almost started tearing in office... I missed you so much... How did us become like this? How did us end up where we are right now??


I know my whatspps msges might have irritated you... I had tried not to use Whatsapp already... So that I can stop myself from texting you... But I cant... I don't know to deny your existence.. I don't how to deny how much I miss and love you....

Perhaps.. You don't feel the same about me anymore... Hence you are able to ignore all my msges... My existences seemed to be redundant to you...


How do you manage this? Please.. Teach me...


Day to day.. I kept telling myself... I need to stop feeling so miserable.. I need to stop missing you... I need to move on.. I need to be happy.. I need to smile...


But I cant lie to myself anymore that the fact is... I need you the most....


Wish you were here.. to give me a hug like you always do...


Miss you.... &  Love you... Always...